Fighting Fair & Healthy Communication in Relationships

Real talk. Couples argue. Even if you really like each other 98% of the time, every couple gets into a snafu or disagreement every now and then. How can you survive the fights and keep your relationship happy and healthy overall?

Here are a few things to avoid:

Criticism. While no partner is perfect, it’s important to keep in mind the difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint addresses a specific action of a partner(s). A criticism is more global — it incorporates or implies a negative judgment about a person’s character or personality.

Contempt. Contempt can be communicated through sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is harmful to a relationship because it is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that their partner is disgusted with them.

Defensiveness. When a disagreement escalates and becomes negative and critical, it’s not surprising that someone may feel attacked and thus become defensive. While this is a natural response, becoming defensive keeps a person from taking responsibility for your part in the conflict and essentially blames one partner as solely responsible.

Stonewalling. In relationships where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This stonewalling involves acting as though they could not care less about what the other is saying or feeling, and often looks like refusing to engage in conflict resolution or touch conversations altogether.

And some healthy communication tips for tough conversations:

Validate and affirm the importance of the relationship and your partner to you.  Express your hope that you can have an authentic, respectful conversation. Agree on whether you’re okay with taking a break from the conversation if you or your partner get frustrated or feel overwhelmed.

Stay focused on the main theme(s) you want to discuss.

Make sure that your verbal and non-verbal communications are in alignment.  Body language, facial expressions, eye contact, and body posture can have a huge impact on the meaning of words. The tone of our voice and the volume you speak in can all change the meaning of your message as well.

Use “I” statements, feeling statements, and be direct. Passive aggressiveness is not effective and can only escalate situations. “I” statements ensure that you are keeping the conversation focused and remaining honest to your own experiences.

Use active listening skills. Use eye contact and avoid texting, being on your computer, or interrupting during an important conversation or argument. Keep an open mind and try to understand your partner’s experience rather than judge it or get defensive.

Paraphrase and ask questions. Use very brief statements to summarize or reflect what the other person has said. This practice allows an opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings within the conversation before they grow into their own argument altogether.

Be supportive. Even if you disagree, both partners should support each others’ right to share their feelings and thoughts as well.

Make specific requests for behavior changes you need. Perhaps you need to change some of your own behaviors or perhaps you would like to see a change in the behavior of your partner(s). Maybe you would like a change in how you do something as a couple. Look for a compromise. Keep in mind its important in a new relationship to balance trying new things and communicating what you want.

Afterward, do something fun! After a conflict has been resolved or a tough conversation concluded, it can be helpful to do something fun or enjoyable with your partner(s) to end your time together on a positive note.  Although it may feel awkward after you’ve just had a tense conversation, spending some fun time together can remind each other what you like about each other and why sticking it out through tough times and working through disagreements is worth it.

Communication tips taken from Sustaining Healthy Relationships in LGBTQ Communities curriculum.

Enjoyed this post and think more information on healthy relationships would be helpful for you or you and your boo? Check out Sustaining Healthy Relationships in LGBTQ Communities, a three-session (1.5 hours per week) workshop led by Carolina students, for Carolina students who are interested in learning how to create and sustaining healthy relationships in LGBTQ communities. The workshop begins on Monday February 11^th. For more information or to sign up, email Sarah-Kathryn Bryan at skbryan1@live.unc.edu by February 8, 2013.

If you’re afraid to communicate your needs or express a disagreement with your partner(s) for fear of what they might do, your relationship may be struggling with more than some problematic communication patterns. Check out the resources at safe.unc.edu which can help you sort through whether your relationship may be abusive and offer you options of what you can do if it is.

Healthy Heels Weekend 12/6 – 12/9

Congratulations, Healthy Heels! You’ve finished with a semester of classes and will soon get a well-deserved break. Here are some ways to enjoy your last weekend on campus until the New Year!

• If you want to take a break from school-related activities, here are a few options:

Safe Passage Documentary Screening Thurs. 7-9 pm. FREE
Come learn about Safe Passage (www.safepassage.org), an NGO working with the community around the Garbage Dump in Guatemala City. We will be showing “Manos de Madres”, a film that follows a Safe Passage mother’s life around the dump, and a recent documentary by a Guatemalan TV station. After the films, long time Safe Passage Board Member Arnie Katz recently returned volunteer Tristan Green will lead a discussion about the project, about local support activities in NC, and about an upcoming service trip by UNC’s Ultimate Frisbee teams.
Location: Chapel Hill Friends Meeting,    531 Raleigh Road Chapel Hill, NC 27514

The Dark Side of Chocolate: Film Screening and Fair Trade Chocolate Taste Testing Thurs. 7-9 pm. FREE
Journalists investigate human trafficking and child labor in the Ivory Coast. They use hidden cameras to delve into the gritty world of cocoa plantations. Sponsored by the Net Impact Club of UNC.
Location: UNC Kenan-Flagler Business School, McColl Building, Room 2575

Chapel Hill-Carrboro Holiday Parade Sat. 10 am – 12 pm. FREE
This holiday tradition will begin at 10 a.m. on E. Franklin Street at the Morehead  Planetarium and end about noon at Carrboro Town Hall, 301 W. Main St.

•  And, for multiple exam study break opportunities here on campus:

Thursday Dec. 6th 11am-4:15 pm in room 211 of the UL: Exam PAWS will offer students the opportunity to visit and engage with certified therapy dogs. Advisors will be present to talk with students and hand out home-baked cookies. Sponsored by Academic Advising

Thursday Dec. 6th 6pm-9pm in Great Hall: P.A.S.S. Exam Support Fair will happen in the Great Hall on December 6th from 6pm-9pm. Join us for a study break full of food, games, crafts, and more. Sponsored by Housing and Residential Education.

Friday Dec. 7th, 10am-11am in front of Davis Library: Get a free tumbler and fill it with your choice of hot chocolate or coffee. Blue books and scantrons will be provided. Sponsored by RHA.

Dec. 6, 7, 9, 10, & 11, 7pm-9pm in room 205 of the UL:  CHISEL will offer stress management programs ranging from a Meditation session to puppy petting to an arts and crafts night. On the 6th, Linda Chupkowski from Counseling and Wellness Services will lead a meditation at 7pm. The other days and times for specific programs are TBD

CAFFEINE!

With exam season on the way and the end-of-semester paper crunch coming, students will be turning to caffeine to help them make it through the long days (and nights) of work. It’s important to know that caffeine cannot replace sleep, and that your brain works best when you have time to sleep before taking an exam. So plan ahead, prioritize, and get some sleep! Your GPA will thank you. Also, learn more about caffeine by checking out the cool info-graphic below. Click to enlarge. Happy Studying!

Keeping Calm and Carrying On During Finals

It’s astounding, time is fleeting: last day of classes is Wednesday and final exams begin Friday! I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey, to the intersection of easy and helpful in the Venn diagram of finals study tips. Follow some of these simple steps and make your finals experience your personal happy place.

First, clear your head. Start from a space of calm. With calm.com. You heard right. Calm.com : a place to relax on the internet. A sweet, 2-minute, guided meditation experience. Since everyone has two minutes, when you start losing your intense focus, scoot on over for a 2-minute refocus. You can choose music/not and whether you want your meditation guided/not.

Now you’re calm, clear-headed, ready to study. Next step: Simplynoise.com. Simplynoise is free as free can be and will pipe “white noise” (actually comes in brown, pink, and white) into your headphones. White noise is amazing tool to block out background distractors and allows your brain to fully latch onto your work. It can turn 30 minutes sessions into 3-hour marathons, painlessly.

Maybe you’re all set, calmed, white-noised, but you’re having trouble finding your study groove. In that case, maybe the Pomodoro Technique is for you. It’s a time-management system that breaks your time into 25-minute intervals (called pomodoros) with breaks in between. The steps are simple and five in number:

1. decide on the task to be done
2. set the pomodoro (timer) to 25 minutes (there are chrome apps for this!)
3. work on the task until the timer rings; record with an x
4. take a short break (3-5 minutes)
5. every four “pomodoros” take a longer break (15–30 minutes)*

If you still feel like the internet is still pulling you into its distracting depths, it might be time to go all out and unplug, with freedom. Freedom only does the one, simple thing, and that is: disconnect you from the internet. You chose the amount of time, any amount of time up to eight hours, press FREEDOM!, and presto: no internet for you. This program is ideal for that phase after you’ve finished all of your internet research and now are just marathon writing/revising/flash-carding. A little disclaimer: Freedom is the only hot tip in this blog post that costs money, $10, to be exact.

*Thanks, Wikipedia!

Ten Commandments for Managing Stress

As the semester continues it is so easy to get overwhelmed with mounting responsibilities: classwork, homework, tests, group work, projects, student organizations, jobs, friends, family, relationships, and the list goes on and on. In hustle and bustle of busy college life it seems impossible to take time to relax, even though stress management is an important skill to develop for your personal wellness. Isn’t important skill development what being a college student is all about?  Below is a list the stress experts at CWS put together for managing stress.

See if you can add a few to your daily routine!

1. Thou Shalt Organize Thyself.
   Take better control of the way you’re spending your time and energy so you can handle stress more effectively. Need help? Check out some time management strategies on our website.
2. Thou Shalt Control Thy Environment by controlling who and what is surrounding you.
   Do you have study buddies or are your friends always encouraging you to go out when you have work to do? Pay attention to how your friends influence your habits.  In this way, you can either get rid of stress or get support for yourself.
3. Thou Shalt Love Thyself by giving yourself positive feedback.
   Remember, you are a unique individual who is doing the best you can.
4. Thou Shalt Reward Thyself by planning leisure activities into your life.
   It really helps to have something to look forward to. Check out our Healthy Heels weekend blog post every Thursday for ways to relax on the weekend!
5. Thou Shalt Exercise Thy Body since your health and productivity depend upon your body’s ability to bring oxygen and food to its cells.
   Therefore, exercise your heart and lungs regularly, a minimum of three days per week for 15-30 minutes. This includes such activities as walking, jogging, cycling, swimming, aerobics, and more!
6. Thou Shalt Relax Thyself by taking your mind off your stress and concentrating on breathing and positive thoughts.
   Dreaming counts, along with meditation, progressive relaxation, exercise, listening to relaxing music, communicating with friends and loved ones, etc. Want to try something new? Check out our iTunes Relaxation Audio Files!
7. Thou Shalt Rest Thyself as regularly as possible.
   Sleep 7-8 hours a night. Take study breaks. There is only so much your mind can absorb at one time. It needs time to process and integrate information. A general rule of thumb: take a ten minute break every hour. Rest your eyes as well as your mind.
8. Thou Shalt be Aware of Thyself.
   Be aware of physical signs such as insomnia, headaches, anxiety, upset stomach, lack of concentration, colds/flu, excessive tiredness, etc. Listen to your body and give it the rest and care that it is asking for.
9. Thou Shalt Feed Thyself / Thou Shalt Not Poison Thy Body.
   Eat a balanced diet. Avoid high calorie foods that are high in fats and sugar. Don’t depend on drugs and/or alcohol. Caffeine will keep you awake, but it also makes it harder for some to concentrate. Be careful about drinking coffee in the afternoon it can lead to trouble sleeping. Remember, a twenty minute walk has been proven to be a better tranquilizer than some prescription drugs.
10. Enjoy Thyself.
    It has been shown that happier people tend to live longer, have less physical problems, and are more productive. Look for the humor in life when things don’t make sense. Remember, you are very special and deserve only the best treatment from yourself.

When you trying out some of the commandments for size, the following resources might be helpful!

• Campus Health
  • Academic Stress Help
  • Regular and Walk-in Counseling Appointments
  • Support Groups
  • Grief, Identity, Stress, Relationships, Living with Chronic Diseases
• Campus Rec
  • Yoga/Pilates classes
  • Fitness Orientation
  • Sessions with Personal Trainer
  • Intramurals
• UNC Career Services
  • Decide on a Major
  • Build your resume
  • Explore careers
• Financial Services
• International Student Services
• Learning Center
  • Study groups
  • Tutoring
  • Academic Counselors
  • Improve Reading
  • ADHD/LD Services
• Writing Center

Mind-Mapping: or How to Use Your Brain More Effectively

Anyone read “The Shallows” recently? Freshmen, you know what I’m talking about.

Just to catch the rest of you up, it’s an intriguing book by Nicholas Carr on the effects of the internet on the way we absorb information.

Information. Sounds like a good thing, right?

But if you, like me, get that sinking sensation when thinking about how much information is at your fingertips (classes,  Wikipedia, books, magazines, blogs, friends, family, endless emails – and don’t even get me started on social networking!), it might be time for some spring cleaning. Of the mind, that is.

The internet gives us unprecedented access to an almost limitless amount of information, and most of us don’t know where we, as students, would be without it. But with new ways to obtain information, it helps to have new ways to synthesize the pieces. I present to you: a visual diagramming technique known as mind-mapping.

that’s amazing!

What is mind-mapping?

• Mind-mapping is a type of diagram used to visually outline ideas, goals, or concepts
• Usually, mind-maps are clustered around a central idea or theme (a “node”), where all other components of the mind-map branching out from that center, see example above

How do I mind-map?

• Start with a core concept that you want to explore (“New Year’s Resolutions 2013”, “Photosynthesis – What is the Deal”, “Time Management and Me”, “My Group Project for That Class – Fall 2012”, etc.)
• Start branching out with the smaller components that you see your larger concept being broken down into (say, within “New Year’s Resolutions 2013” you could have two branches titled “Fitness” and “Study Abroad”)
• Keep branching until you’ve reached the smallest sensible units (i.e., until your ideas cannot be branched any further)
• Voila! You have a complete picture of the concept that you’re working with. Revisit and revise as needed.

Sometimes it makes sense to learn about visual diagramming…well…visually. This is a helpful how-to video for the mind-map beginner.

Why should I mind-map?

Mind-mapping can be a good way to:

• Take notes during class
• Get a sense of large projects
• Visualize the way concepts are connected
• Brain-storming – unleash that hail-storm of creativity
• Map out essays
• Draw out your ultimate knowledge base, figure out where your gaps are
• Set goals for yourself and make a detailed plan for getting there
• Look cool! I.e., it looks good printed out, aesthetics boost happiness, also gives you a sense of direction and fulfillment about your work. That’s about as touchy-feely as it comes, but it sounds like it would feel good, doesn’t it?

Tools for mind-mapping:

If you wanted to start using software tools, Wikipedia has a pretty comprehensive list of both free and proprietary software that can get you started (here). You could also use Word, Excel, or PowerPoint once you get the hang of how it works. Your humble blogger has an iPad, so I like to use SimpleMind (it’s free for iPad, but less free if you’re want to use it on your computer).

More Information (is there irony here?):

Did you want to read that paper being referenced here? Maybe comment about it in the comments section? Go ahead, it’s right here.

Want to hear an interview with the man who came up with mind-maps? Right here! He’s very convinced that mind-maps are the way the brain is intended to be used (no surprise there), so you know, grain of salt, still worth a watch.

How to stay healthy in financially challenging times

The current financial situation in the US hits on many levels for students.

For many students, it’s personal – your savings, credit card bills, and fun money.

For many students, it’s school – “Someone who financially supports me just got laid off. Will I have to leaveCarolina?”  “How will I afford rising tuition costs?”  “How will my work/school balance change?”  “How will this all ultimately impact my academic success and my future?”

For many students, it’s all of these things and the larger picture – the future of the our society.

What to do?

It’s easy during times like these to get stuck in a negative frame of mind.  We encourage you to consider some quick ideas for staying positive.

• Pay attention to the news, but give yourself a break.  You cannot change the country’s economic state by worrying about it for hours on end.  Consider setting a time each day to check in on what’s happening, and then letting it go when that time has elapsed.
• Use your mental energy to think about things you can control.  What about your current situation is causing you stress?  What can you actively do to change that situation for the better?
• Remember the basics of stress management.  Seek support from friends, family members, and advisors.  Do the things that bring you joy, and particularly seek the ones that are cost free!  Examples might include: taking a walk on a brisk sunny day, practicing deep breathing, going for a jog, playing cards, journaling about your feelings, watching your favorite movie on your computer., or calling your best friend.
• Re-frame!  How might you view this situation with a positive spin?  What are the good things that can come out of challenging times?
• Use this as a reminder for financial planning.  What are the areas of financial management you need to revisit? Where can you cut out spending?  How can you safely save?  learn more at: 
  http://www.cashcourse.org/unc
  
• Still searching for a way to feel better?  Tell the President Obama your vision for America at 
  http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/submit-questions-and-comments
  

Tips For Having A Summer Roommate

Summer is here! No matter what your plans are hopefully you already have housing arranged.  If you are staying in Chapel Hill trying to figure out what’s next or starting an internship or job in another city, your housing situation might  involve a  roommate.  This roommate could be a person you barely know or have never met face-to-face.

Living with a stranger can be convenient and a great way to develop a new circle of friends.  However, a summer roommate can be very different from living with someone for an extended period of time.  Because the situation is supposed to be temporary, either or both parties may not feel the need to get to know each other and therefore may not vocalize their expectations very well.  Most of the time this can be ok because summer schedules are busy and you may not even see each other that much. However, because summer schedules can be lax and sporadic  things can go wrong or get annoying.   If this happens, a lack of communication from the beginning and an unclear understanding of how the other person handles conflict can make life stressful.

So, here are some tips for living with a summer roommate you don’t know very well or at all:

Before you move in

1. Know who else has a key.  (Stay updated on this as the summer progresses.)
2. Understand how the security deposit works. If there is damage to the property will both or all roommates lose their security deposits or just one person?  Will the check be held or cashed?
3. Take pictures of everything to document the move-in conditions.
4. Contact the property owner directly and make sure they know you are there.
5. Get a copy of the original lease.
6. Make a copy of everything you sign.
7. Understand how parking works.
8. Know how you and the roommate(s) will split the cost of utilities.

Within a few days of moving in make an effort to get to know the other person, maybe invite them to dinner.  This will make it easier to discuss the following up front:

1. Rules about any and all types of guests  (Weekends, after 5pm, overnight, long-term)
2. How the bathroom will be shared
3. Noise
4. When front and back doors will be locked
5. How often and who will clean and take out the trash on trash day
6. Parties and what will be served at the parties. If you are uncomfortable with what is being planned speak up and offer an alternative that you are comfortable with.
7. What you are willing to share (e.g., cleaning supplies, food, and space)
8. Expectations regarding cleaning before ALL/BOTH of you move out

Do you have suggestions for living with someone you  do not know very well during the summer?  Leave a comment below, Tweet us @UNCCampusHealth, or share your thoughts on our Facebook wall!

Have a great summer everyone!

This Summer, Take a Vacation from Body-Snarking

With summer fast approaching, a lot of people I know are stressing about their bodies. Maybe they want to be “bikini ready” (whatever that means), or are going home for the summer and seeing friends or family for the first time in months or more.  Or, I would argue, maybe their friends are doing some major body snarking.

Body snarking is any negative body talk about one’s own body or someone else’s, whether about weight, beauty marks, facial features, etc.  Facebook has become rich with body snarking, with negative and even mocking comments about how people’s bodies look in pictures. As some of you may already have experienced, body snarking is contagious. If you’re around people who are constantly criticizing their own or another person’s body, you’re naturally going to direct your attention in the same negative light concerning your own bod.

So, here’s a radical thought: maybe you don’t need to lose a few pounds, or that beauty or stretch mark, or pay $30 for new lip plumping cream.
Maybe what you need is some new friends.

Having a conversation with your friends about their body-negativity is not an easy thing. If you feel that it’s changing your perception of your own body though, you have every right to speak up. Explain that you’d like to see a change in the way you talk about your bodies, and see if they’d be interested in making a communal effort to knock out the body snarking. If they keep up their body-hating around you instead of respecting your wishes, take notice of common times when their comments are at an all-time high so you can avoid those situations. You have the right to do your own thing and meet them at the bar or party on a Friday night instead of getting ready with them and spending 20 minutes trying to convince them they do not look fat in those pants.

It’s also possible that some objects in your life are body snarking. Magazines with monthly articles about getting rid of wrinkles before they start, or heightening both your butt and hair 2 inches apiece have the same body negative infiltrating power as body snarking friends. That clothing item in your closet that last fit a few months or years ago that you refuse to donate or throw away? Every time you open your closet, that thing of your past blasts you with body snarking.

There’s good news though! A healthy perspective of body positivity and healthy lifestyles are also contagious. Friends can be amazing supports whether you’re looking for a buddy to start a workout routine with to gain some strength, trying to cut back on your caffeine intake, or trying to learn to cook more than boxed mac & cheese. (Don’t get me wrong, mac & cheese is delicious-but unfortunately not so full of nutrients. When they make a vitamin-infused version suggested for thrice weekly consumption, I’ll be the first to let you know.) As for items that are guilty of some serious body snarking, live in the present! Ditch the what-ifs and keep your clothing options to things that fit well and that you feel awesome in for much more body-positive interactions with your closet.

If you’re all about ending body snarking among your friends, check out the campaign Stamp Out Body Snarking, Delta Delta Delta’s sponsored national Fat Talk Free Week campaign and pledge anyone can sign, and read actress Ashley Judd’s awesome response to body snarking about a recent picture of her in the media

Avoiding the Stress Competition and 6 Other Tips for Surviving Finals

Finals period! Oh what a wonderful time of year!

Sike. Let’s just be blunt. Finals. Period. Sucks. It’s a stressful time of year. End of story. There is really no way that a 2 week period testing your knowledge on ALLLL the things that you learned during the past 14 weeks could be anything but a little stressful.  But there are some ways to make it suck less, and maybe to even harness some of that stress for good.

  Above all- Don’t Engage in the Stress Competition at all costs!!!

Person 1:“I’m so stressed. I have 2 papers, and 3 finals to go. I’ve been up since, like, 6:30 this morning.”

Person 2: “Uh, me too. I’ve had like 6 cups of coffee today. I only got like 3 hours of sleep.”

Person 1: “Oh yea, I only got like 2.5. I had to finish that take home we had due for biochem.”

How often have you been hanging out with friends during high-stress times like finals period and suddenly found yourself in a similar conversation, wherein, one person’s stressors just feeds off the other’s. BEWARE! While this might seem like simple commiseration, it only serves to perpetuate an atmosphere of stress! In fact, let’s all actively FIGHT the stress competition. When you find yourself beginning to engage in a Stress Competition, immediately say something nice. Something positive. Do jumping jacks. Make a scene. ANYTHING but engage in the stress competition- for serious.

Oh and here are 6 other handy tips for finals times…

1.       Make a Schedule: Sound familiar? You’ve probably received this advice on repeated occasions, but it’s a good suggestion, so it bears repeating. Many times, stress stems from trying to squeeze too much into too little time. By setting out a schedule, you help to structure your time, ensuring that you’re not left at the 12^th hour with 20+ pages to read/write. (Bonus: By creating a schedule and using your time wisely you have more time for #3 and #4!)

2.       Prioritize: Much like making a schedule, prioritizing helps you to avoid that last minute cram.

3.       Avoid Productive Procrastination (Or Procrastination At all): Personally, I often try to do smaller easier tasks, while ignoring my looming larger assignments, something a friend of mine calls productive procrastination. While this might seem like at least I’m getting something done, it really just causes me extra stress when I have to scrabble to finish the BIG assignments in the end. Those little assignments aren’t going anywhere, and they’ll be just as easy when you’re done with the big one. Same thing for procrastination at all. It’s only going to sneak up on you in the end. Facebook, Twitter, that trip to Taco Bell will still be there when you’re done (and can even serve as a pleasant reward for finishing!)

4.       Take Care of Yourself: I CANNOT repeat this enough. If your body is not well, your mind is not well. Deprive it of the essentials– sleep, nutrients from good food– it’s just not going to perform the way you want it to, and you’re not going to perform the way that you want to. So treat your body right. Take care of yourself.

5.       Don’t Forget Balance: Staying balanced during finals period can be hard. But don’t forget to intersperse some of the activities that really make you happy in between papers and study sessions.

6.       Set Realistic Goals: Know what you can and cannot do. Finishing an X page paper in X amount of time might be realistic for some, but not for you. Use this knowledge to help guide you in #1 and #2.
Any other great suggestions on avoiding finals time stress?