More than Molly- Real Talk about Drug Facilitated Sexual Assault

If you’ve been anywhere on the internet lately, you’ve probably heard about Rick Ross’ newly released single U.O.E.N.O., during which he raps “Put molly in her champagne / She ain’t even know it / I took her home and I enjoyed that / She ain’t even know it,” The song has sparked controversy and online petitions calling for companies like Reebok to drop Rick Ross as a spokesperson and radio stations to remove the song from their playlists. I gotta tell you- I’m pretty pumped about this. I’m pumped that the public is outraged with Ross’ lyrics and glorification of drugging a woman with ecstasy (a.k.a. “molly”) in order to have sex with her and that I haven’t found one article citing that the ambiguous woman Ross is referring to should have watched her drink.

Despite my elation about the public conversations being prompted by Ross’ lyrics, our conversations about drug facilitated sexual assault need to go beyond illicit drugs and drink spiking. If we’re going to talk about drug facilitated sexual assault (DFSA), we need to be willing to engage in a conversation about alcohol. Alcohol is by far the most commonly used substance in drug facilitated sexual assaults, whether alcohol is forced upon the victim* or a perpetrator takes advantage of someone who has willingly consumed alcohol.

Up to 52% of a sample of men who reported committing a sexual assault since the age of 14 had been under the influence of alcohol at the time of the assault(s) (Gidycz, 2007). High risk drinking has been linked to sexual perpetration among first year college students, with heavy drinkers being more likely to report that they have perpetuated a sexual assault (Neal & Fromme, 2007).

What theories are there to explain the frequent concurrence of alcohol and sexual violence perpetration? Researchers speculate that either:
(a) alcohol causes a causal role in sexual violence perpetration
(b) the desire to commit sexually violent acts prompts perpetrators to use alcohol heavily so that their actions are seen as more socially acceptable/excusable since they are intoxicated
(c) various other factors contribute and cause both high risk drinking and sexual violence perpetration (Abbey, 2008; George, Stoner, Norris, Lopez, & Lehman, 2000).

The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence and Pennsylvania Coalition against Domestic Violence explain the relationship between American culture, alcohol use, and sexual violence as one that includes multiple factors.

“American culture glamorizes alcohol consumption and links it to sexual desire, sexual performance, aggression, and other types of disinhibited behavior. This affects people in two ways. First, as noted above, people may decide to drink when they want to be sexual, aggressive, and/ or disinhibited. Alcohol provides them with the “liquid courage” to act in the way they wanted to act. Second, intoxicated individuals are likely to interpret other people’s behavior in a manner that conforms to their expectations. Thus, a smile is more likely to be viewed as a sign of sexual attraction and a mildly negative comment is more likely to be interpreted as grounds for an aggressive response” (Abbey, 2008).

Even with societal pressure and the cognitive effects of alcohol, no matter how drunk a person is it does not excuse committing a sexual assault.

If you’re worried about a friend’s high risk drinking and concerned that their own alcohol use may be influencing their sexual decision making, you can encourage them to make an appointment with an Alcohol and Other Drug Intervention Specialist at Student Wellness. Alcohol and Other Drug Intervention Specialists assist students in exploring the social, academic, and sexual consequences of their drinking and encourage positive changes in drinking behaviors through Tarheel BASICS. Remember, how drunk a person is does not excuse committing a sexual assault.

Look out for Raise the Bar, a Student Wellness initiative launching in April as a part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Raise the Bar is an outreach and training program for local bar establishments offering education on DFSA and training on bystander intervention, providing bar staff the information and  tools to intervene and prevent drug facilitated sexual assault.

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*The term victim is used because this post focuses on circumstances surrounding the victimizing experience of DFSA, not the recovery process

• Abbey, A. (2008, December). Alcohol and Sexual Violence Perpetration. Harrisburg, PA: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence/Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Retrieved month/day/year, from: http://www.vawnet.org
• George, W.H., Stoner, S.A., Norris, J., Lopez, P.A., & Lehman, G.L. (2000). Alcohol expectancies and sexuality: A self-fulfilling prophecy analysis of dyadic perceptions and behavior. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 61, 168-176.
• Gidycz, C.A., Warkentin, J.B., Orchowski, L.M. (2007). Predictors of perpetration of verbal, physical, and sexual violence: A prospective analysis of college men. Psychology of Men and Masculinity, 8, 79-94.
• Neal, D.J., & Fromme, K. (2007). Event-level covariation of alcohol intoxication and behavioral risks during the first year of college. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 75 , 294-306.

The Food Police

Every time I order food from a particular take out place, as soon as I hang up the phone I get an incoming call. An automated machine calling on behalf of my bank, reciting “We fear there may be fraudulent charges on your account […] Please contact our identity theft and fraud department immediately at …. “. Sometimes I even get a text with the same information. The most recent time, I received a call, text, and an email which even went so far as to inform me that my account had been put on hold (i.e. my card was useless) until I called them back to go over the most recent charges on my account. Every time this happens I have to call the bank, and listen to a stranger list the most recent purchases on my card- which of course always concludes with a report of the place I ordered food from and the amount charged.

When the very nice stranger on the phone asks me if this is my charge, all I hear them saying is “so- this extremely unhealthy carb full restaurant you ordered from AGAIN…you spent ____….Don’t you live alone? Geez how many people are you planning on feeding?” I feel embarrassed and called out by the universe for my eating choices and frustrated at the fact that I am forced to report them to a stranger. Even so, I have not yet had the guts to tell my bank that they can stop calling every time I order food from this place because yes, it’s always going to be me (I like to eat their food) so while I appreciate your concern and thorough job of protecting my identity, please stop asking me to answer for my food choices.

These interactions with my bank, although unintentionally and indirectly on their part, are a great example of food policing. I’m sure that many folks prone to food policing out there mean the best. Sometimes it’s good to catch ourselves though and ask – what good is food policing really doing?

If you’re concerned about a friend’s health, it will probably be much better received if you express those concerns in the context of health and caring for your friend instead of commenting on if they’re “going to eat all that”, asking them “if they need to eat that” and making comments such as “you sure don’t look like a vegetarian”. Food policing ourselves, i.e. making comments like “oh no, I don’t need anymore, I’m trying to be good” can have a similarly negative effect on those around us. Food policing may sometimes even sound like compliments such as “great job choosing that salad!”.

Unless a friend or partner has come to a plan of healthy eating or exercising on their own or at the suggestion of a doctor and specifically asked for your support, food policing may be more harmful than helpful. Hopefully you’ve been hearing a lot about eating disorders and how they affect college students over the course of this past week. Even if you think information about eating disorders seems a little too extreme to apply to you and your friends, we can all still be mindful of how our own food policing-whether directed at others or at ourselves in the presence of others- is affecting our friends and their body image.

If you’re genuinely concerned about a friend’s eating habits, make it a point to talk to them while they’re not in the middle of a meal or about to sit down to start eating. You may consider suggesting they make an appointment at Student Wellness to meet with a Clinical Nutrition Specialist or Nutrition Education Consultant on campus. They’re great folks who can help you, your friend, or a partner go over healthy meal planning and choices for them and their body. If you’d like to host a program on healthy body image or nutrition for your student group or hall, check out the health education and training services available at Student Wellness.

Providing Support Through Active Listening

One of the questions most frequently asked in HAVEN training is “How do you make survivors of interpersonal violence feel better?” or “What do you do to fix a survivor’s situation?”  It is a difficult to help people understand that our job as allies is not to tell survivors what to do or make their choices for them, but rather to support, listen and empower survivors to make their own decisions and have faith in their own ability for creating positive change. We try do this by active listening.

Active listening functions as one of the most valuable tools each of us has, whether we work with survivors or not.  Active listening is a structured way of listening which focuses entirely on the speaker.  We use active listening skills if a survivor discloses an instance of interpersonal violence in order to help that survivor focus and feel understood.  It is non-judgmental and accepting while conveying the desire to understand what the survivor is feeling and saying.  Active listening helps the speaker clarify their thoughts, vent if they need to and better understand their feelings.  Often people come to us with problems to be heard and validated, not necessarily to get a solution.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to become a better listener:

1. Who is doing the majority of the talking- the person with the problem or me?

2. Am I asking questions based on my own curiosity or are the questions that I’m asking relevant to the issue that they are struggling with?

3. Am I listening or making to do lists in my head?

4.  How does he/she know I am listening? Am I reflecting feeling and content back to him/her?

5. Am I empowering him/her or trying to “fix” the problem?

6. Am I asking open ended questions or am I asking close ended questions to get a specific response? For example, asking “How did that make your feel.” as opposed to “So, you must have been pretty angry about that?”

It can be difficult to hear a survivor’s story and not want to jump into action mode to “fix” what’s happening. Even though these feelings are rooted in the very best intentions of caring about a survivor they are problematic. Many survivors of sexual assault, relationship violence or stalking are trying to regain control in their lives after their assault. If you as a friend or ally jump in to “fix” a survivor, you send the message that they still aren’t in control of their own lives. By believing and active listening to a survivor’s story, you give them the power and control back.

If you’re interested in learning more about how to support survivors of interpersonal violence check out safe.unc.edu to sign up for an upcoming HAVEN training!

Fighting Fair & Healthy Communication in Relationships

Real talk. Couples argue. Even if you really like each other 98% of the time, every couple gets into a snafu or disagreement every now and then. How can you survive the fights and keep your relationship happy and healthy overall?

Here are a few things to avoid:

Criticism. While no partner is perfect, it’s important to keep in mind the difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint addresses a specific action of a partner(s). A criticism is more global — it incorporates or implies a negative judgment about a person’s character or personality.

Contempt. Contempt can be communicated through sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is harmful to a relationship because it is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that their partner is disgusted with them.

Defensiveness. When a disagreement escalates and becomes negative and critical, it’s not surprising that someone may feel attacked and thus become defensive. While this is a natural response, becoming defensive keeps a person from taking responsibility for your part in the conflict and essentially blames one partner as solely responsible.

Stonewalling. In relationships where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This stonewalling involves acting as though they could not care less about what the other is saying or feeling, and often looks like refusing to engage in conflict resolution or touch conversations altogether.

And some healthy communication tips for tough conversations:

Validate and affirm the importance of the relationship and your partner to you.  Express your hope that you can have an authentic, respectful conversation. Agree on whether you’re okay with taking a break from the conversation if you or your partner get frustrated or feel overwhelmed.

Stay focused on the main theme(s) you want to discuss.

Make sure that your verbal and non-verbal communications are in alignment.  Body language, facial expressions, eye contact, and body posture can have a huge impact on the meaning of words. The tone of our voice and the volume you speak in can all change the meaning of your message as well.

Use “I” statements, feeling statements, and be direct. Passive aggressiveness is not effective and can only escalate situations. “I” statements ensure that you are keeping the conversation focused and remaining honest to your own experiences.

Use active listening skills. Use eye contact and avoid texting, being on your computer, or interrupting during an important conversation or argument. Keep an open mind and try to understand your partner’s experience rather than judge it or get defensive.

Paraphrase and ask questions. Use very brief statements to summarize or reflect what the other person has said. This practice allows an opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings within the conversation before they grow into their own argument altogether.

Be supportive. Even if you disagree, both partners should support each others’ right to share their feelings and thoughts as well.

Make specific requests for behavior changes you need. Perhaps you need to change some of your own behaviors or perhaps you would like to see a change in the behavior of your partner(s). Maybe you would like a change in how you do something as a couple. Look for a compromise. Keep in mind its important in a new relationship to balance trying new things and communicating what you want.

Afterward, do something fun! After a conflict has been resolved or a tough conversation concluded, it can be helpful to do something fun or enjoyable with your partner(s) to end your time together on a positive note.  Although it may feel awkward after you’ve just had a tense conversation, spending some fun time together can remind each other what you like about each other and why sticking it out through tough times and working through disagreements is worth it.

Communication tips taken from Sustaining Healthy Relationships in LGBTQ Communities curriculum.

Enjoyed this post and think more information on healthy relationships would be helpful for you or you and your boo? Check out Sustaining Healthy Relationships in LGBTQ Communities, a three-session (1.5 hours per week) workshop led by Carolina students, for Carolina students who are interested in learning how to create and sustaining healthy relationships in LGBTQ communities. The workshop begins on Monday February 11^th. For more information or to sign up, email Sarah-Kathryn Bryan at skbryan1@live.unc.edu by February 8, 2013.

If you’re afraid to communicate your needs or express a disagreement with your partner(s) for fear of what they might do, your relationship may be struggling with more than some problematic communication patterns. Check out the resources at safe.unc.edu which can help you sort through whether your relationship may be abusive and offer you options of what you can do if it is.

Keeping Your Mind and Heart Healthy: Mental Illness and Dating Relationships Part 2

Although dating relationships in which one partner has a mental illness are not often spoken about, we know that such relationships can’t be all that unusual since one in four young adults between the ages of 18 and 24 have a diagnosable mental illness[i] and more than 25% of college students have been diagnosed or treated by a professional for a mental health condition within the past year[ii]. Given that dating and relationships are a huge part of college and mental illnesses affect folks in various but impactful ways, it’s not surprising there are some specific considerations for dating when you have a mental illness.

Here are some tips for folks with mental illness navigating the dating world!

• On Disclosure
  Remember that you are more than your illness and that it does not define you. Give your partner a chance to get to know other parts of you before disclosing your illness. Check out this article on Strength of Us for more on disclosure of mental illness in relationships.
• Self-Advocacy
  Once you choose to disclose, don’t assume your partner will understand everything about your illness, how it affects you, or how you’re handling it. You can advocate for yourself by being open with your partner about how they can support you and seeking out professional help when you need it.
• Self-Care
  Taking care of yourself and adhering to any treatment regime a professional has laid out for you is not only good for you, but can also be good for your relationship. Being your best self on your own is important for anyone, whether or not they have a mental illness, before entering a relationship. Check out the counseling and medication management available for students at UNC’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) and these self-care tips from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).
• Don’t Settle
  Having a mental illness does not make you less of a person or any less worthy of a happy, fulfilling relationship than anyone else. Don’t settle for an unhealthy or unhappy relationship because you think your illness lessens your value as a partner and what you have to offer.

If the relationship ends, know that a tough breakup may exacerbate the symptoms of your illness. You can help buffer this by asking for help when you need it, reaching out for resources, and keeping in mind that although breakups can be hurtful and difficult to transition, it will get better.

Check out this article by Arthur Gallant about his experience as an adult with Bipolar Disorder in the dating world. If you have a mental illness and are thinking about exploring online dating, you may want to check out one of the numerous online dating sites specifically for folks with chronic physical or mental illness.

For information on how abusive relationships specifically impact folks with mental illness, check out this mental illness and relationship abuse fact sheet from Safe Place, in Austin, TX.

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[i] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (n.d.). Mental health: What a difference student awareness makes. Retrieved from
http://www.stopstigma.samhsa.gov/publications/collegelife.aspx?printid=1&
.

[ii] American College Health Association (2012). American College Health Association-National College Health Assessment II: Reference Group Executive Summary Spring 2012. Retrieved from
http://www.acha-ncha.org/docs/ACHA-NCHA-II_ReferenceGroup_ExecutiveSummary_Spring2012.pdf
.

Keeping Your Mind and Heart Healthy: Mental Illness & Dating Relationships Part 1

Any relationship can feel strains when one of the partners has a bad day. For folks struggling with mental illness, letting their partner know they’re having a bad day is made significantly more difficult due to the stigma of their struggles and the complexity of disclosure of a mental illness to an intimate partner. Mental illnesses affecting college students vary and may include disorders related to anxiety (e.g. generalized anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc.), mood (e.g. depression, bipolar disorder, etc.), or eating (e.g. bulimia or anorexia nervosa).

Before we get into the reality of dating relationships wherein one or both partners has a mental illness, I’d like to toss out some myths about folks with mental illness. Contrary to what recent media coverage of the Sandy Hook tragedy may be implying, having a mental illness does not make you a violent and/or dangerous person. Studies actually show that folks with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violence than to perpetrate it[iii], and are even more likely to be victims of violent crime than those without a mental illness[iv]. While mental illness may be portrayed in television and movies as something that leads folks to an inevitable life spent in hospitals or prisons, folks with mental illness often lead typical lives going to college, working, and dating, just like anyone else.

Here are some tips for folks navigating that (it turns out, not so unique) situation!

Let’s start with some tips for partners of folks with mental illness:

• Use Person-First Language and Behavior
  Your partner is a person, individual, and a bunch of wonderful things other than their illness. Don’t refer to them in a way that categorizes them as a disorder, and instead reflect in your language what you know to be true: that your partner is a devoted fan of How I Met Your Mother, a hardworking Russian Language and English Lit double major, a lover of sweet frog and Carolina basketball, a supportive friend, and a super-hot and hilarious individual, who happens to have a mental illness.  e.g. Your partner is not “anorexic”, your partner is “a person with anorexia”.
• Respect Your Partner’s Privacy
  Mental health is a really private thing for most folks, so even if your partner is open about their struggles to others, don’t take it upon yourself to share their story or press for details or feel entitled to know everything about the origin, onset, or current treatment of their illness.
• Be Flexible
  Be understanding and patient with your partner surrounding things that may be particularly difficult for them as a result of their illness. Depending on their particular struggles, this may involve not eating out for dates, hanging out in small groups rather than going to huge parties when you spend time together, avoiding certain sexual activities, or various other things. How do you find out how you can support your partner and not unknowingly agitate their symptoms? Communicate with your partner and ask, instead of assuming.
• Play Fair
  Don’t throw a diagnosis into an argument where it doesn’t belong, or use your partner’s illness as an excuse to treat them unfairly.
• Remember Self-Care, and Seek Out Support for Yourself
  Although you may care very much about your partner and it may be understandably frustrating to watch someone you care about struggle with a mental illness, it is not your job as their partner to “fix it”. You can however, be a resource for your partner. Just as you would recommend the Learning Center for a friend who is struggling with classes, you can let your partner know about the resources available at CAPS at UNC Campus Health. You may want to seek out support for yourself, by joining UNC’s campus chapter of NAMI or perusing NAMI’s website for local support groups available for partners and family members of people with a mental illness.

If you’re interested in learning more about mental illness and college students, check out National Alliance on Mental Illness’ 2011 survey report College Students Speak.

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[iii] Appleby, L., Mortensen, P. B., Dunn, G., & Hiroeh, U. (2001). Death by homicide, suicide, and other unnatural causes in people with mental illness: a population-based study. The Lancet, 358, 2110-2112.

[iv] Hiday, V. A. (2006). Putting Community Risk in Perspective: a Look at Correlations, Causes and Controls. International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, 29, 316-331.

50 Shades of Curious: Beginning a BDSM Conversation with Your Partner

BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism. BDSM activities can range from light slapping, to bondage, to intense use of sex toys and other tools. Despite what popular media may like us to believe, there are no significant differences in rates of psychopathology, depression, anxiety, OCD, and psychological sadism and masochism between folks who practice BDSM sex play and those who don’t (Connoly 2006). In essence, folks who practice BDSM are not violent, they aren’t “crazy”, and their BDSM practices don’t leave them psychological troubled. According to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, approximately 18-20% of folks have been blindfolded during sex, 30-32% of folks have tied someone up or been tied up during sex, and 38-50% of folks have been spanked during sexual activity.

Knowing that so many folks engage in BDSM, and that it doesn’t have to include being locked up in a basement dungeon…are you thinking you may be interested?

talk first, then play

Communication is the first step to exploring BDSM with a partner. Be clear about what you want, what you’re open to exploring, and what your limits are. It’s also important to keep in mind that your sex partner(s) may be exploring BDSM for the first time, or they may have previous experience.

Just as you would like your sex partner to do for you, it’s important to:

• be respectful of your partner’s limits
• be willing to explore their desires
• not criticize, ridicule, or poke fun at their sex play interests
• uphold agreements and privacy

There are helpful worksheets  and checklists you can print out to get the conversation started, which list a range of light to intense BDSM activities and provide space for you and your partner to voice whether you think each sounds super-hot, is something you’re up for discussing, or is something that is off-limits.

ready to explore?

The urge to engage in or explore consensual BDSM may be confusing for some folks, especially those who identify as feminists, whose ancestors have historically been enslaved or beaten, or folks who have experienced sexual assault or relationship abuse in the past. For more dialogue on the reconciliation between BDSM play and feminism, check out feminist sex and relationship columnist Jessica Wakeman’s articles First Time for Everything and Slap Happy and Sylvia Fox’s article Reconciling Feminism with an Interest in BDSM which can be purchased online or in print.

Being a survivor of interpersonal violence who is interested in BDSM does not necessarily mean you have not healed from your experience.  Abuse and assault are not about sex, they’re about power and control. BDSM is about the consensual play of dominant and submissive sexual relationships and mutual arousal resulting from these activities.  Just as a survivor of interpersonal violence can maintain or regain interest in sex after being assaulted or abused, they can also regain or become interested in consensual BDSM.

Here are some red flags that a BSDM sex partner may in fact be abusive:

• Ignoring safe words
• Not respecting your limits, negotiations, agreements, or contracts
• Pushing you into a D/S relationship too quickly
• Belittling your ideas or suggestions for sex play
• ONLY interacting with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if they are always role-playing
• Threatening or coercing you into engaging in submission or BDSM activities outside of your comfort zone

Check out the books The Loving Dominant (Warren & Warren, 2008) and The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge (Taramino, 2012) if you’re interested in learning more about BDSM practices and the BDSM community.

If you’re concerned you or someone you know may be being coerced, pressured, or forced into engaging in sexual activities they’re not ready for or aren’t interested in, check out the information and resources at safe.unc.edu or the Orange County Rape Crisis Center.

                                                          References
Connoly, P. (2006). Psychological functioning of bondage/domination/sado-masochism practitioners. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 18(1).

Ten Commandments for Managing Stress

As the semester continues it is so easy to get overwhelmed with mounting responsibilities: classwork, homework, tests, group work, projects, student organizations, jobs, friends, family, relationships, and the list goes on and on. In hustle and bustle of busy college life it seems impossible to take time to relax, even though stress management is an important skill to develop for your personal wellness. Isn’t important skill development what being a college student is all about?  Below is a list the stress experts at CWS put together for managing stress.

See if you can add a few to your daily routine!

1. Thou Shalt Organize Thyself.
   Take better control of the way you’re spending your time and energy so you can handle stress more effectively. Need help? Check out some time management strategies on our website.
2. Thou Shalt Control Thy Environment by controlling who and what is surrounding you.
   Do you have study buddies or are your friends always encouraging you to go out when you have work to do? Pay attention to how your friends influence your habits.  In this way, you can either get rid of stress or get support for yourself.
3. Thou Shalt Love Thyself by giving yourself positive feedback.
   Remember, you are a unique individual who is doing the best you can.
4. Thou Shalt Reward Thyself by planning leisure activities into your life.
   It really helps to have something to look forward to. Check out our Healthy Heels weekend blog post every Thursday for ways to relax on the weekend!
5. Thou Shalt Exercise Thy Body since your health and productivity depend upon your body’s ability to bring oxygen and food to its cells.
   Therefore, exercise your heart and lungs regularly, a minimum of three days per week for 15-30 minutes. This includes such activities as walking, jogging, cycling, swimming, aerobics, and more!
6. Thou Shalt Relax Thyself by taking your mind off your stress and concentrating on breathing and positive thoughts.
   Dreaming counts, along with meditation, progressive relaxation, exercise, listening to relaxing music, communicating with friends and loved ones, etc. Want to try something new? Check out our iTunes Relaxation Audio Files!
7. Thou Shalt Rest Thyself as regularly as possible.
   Sleep 7-8 hours a night. Take study breaks. There is only so much your mind can absorb at one time. It needs time to process and integrate information. A general rule of thumb: take a ten minute break every hour. Rest your eyes as well as your mind.
8. Thou Shalt be Aware of Thyself.
   Be aware of physical signs such as insomnia, headaches, anxiety, upset stomach, lack of concentration, colds/flu, excessive tiredness, etc. Listen to your body and give it the rest and care that it is asking for.
9. Thou Shalt Feed Thyself / Thou Shalt Not Poison Thy Body.
   Eat a balanced diet. Avoid high calorie foods that are high in fats and sugar. Don’t depend on drugs and/or alcohol. Caffeine will keep you awake, but it also makes it harder for some to concentrate. Be careful about drinking coffee in the afternoon it can lead to trouble sleeping. Remember, a twenty minute walk has been proven to be a better tranquilizer than some prescription drugs.
10. Enjoy Thyself.
    It has been shown that happier people tend to live longer, have less physical problems, and are more productive. Look for the humor in life when things don’t make sense. Remember, you are very special and deserve only the best treatment from yourself.

When you trying out some of the commandments for size, the following resources might be helpful!

• Campus Health
  • Academic Stress Help
  • Regular and Walk-in Counseling Appointments
  • Support Groups
  • Grief, Identity, Stress, Relationships, Living with Chronic Diseases
• Campus Rec
  • Yoga/Pilates classes
  • Fitness Orientation
  • Sessions with Personal Trainer
  • Intramurals
• UNC Career Services
  • Decide on a Major
  • Build your resume
  • Explore careers
• Financial Services
• International Student Services
• Learning Center
  • Study groups
  • Tutoring
  • Academic Counselors
  • Improve Reading
  • ADHD/LD Services
• Writing Center

Celebrating Coming Out!

This Thursday is National Coming Out Day.  The Human Rights Campaign describes the intent of the day as promoting “a safe world for LGBTQ individuals to live truthfully and openly.”  Discovering and accepting your own sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression and telling others about that identity is a very personal, lifelong process. For many people, being open about who they are can bring a sense of relief and freedom. While there is no right way or time to do it, here are some things to consider when making the decision to come out. 

Who should I tell?

Think about all of the different relationships in your life: friends, family, partners, acquaintances, co-workers, classmates, and professors. The process of disclosing your sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression may look different for each of these relationships.  As you meet new people throughout your life, you will have to think about how and if you want to come out to them.

It can be helpful to first come out to those who you think will be supportive. Think about people who will listen to you, respect you, and who won’t violate your confidentiality. Having a crew of supportive people in your corner can make it easier to tell the other people in your life.

Coming out to parents and family members can be a hard decision. Many parents react with love and support. However, some families must go through a long emotional process before coming to a place of acceptance. Think about which family members you may want to tell first.  It can also be important to think about how financial support or housing may be affected when you make your decision to come out.

When should I tell?

It is important that you come out according to your own timeline. Don’t do it because you are feeling pressure from others.  Avoid having the conversation when you (or others) have been drinking alcohol or using other substances.

When it comes to the actual conversation, pick a time that both you and the other person are relaxed and have plenty of time for a discussion. Avoid times when you or the other person are feeling stress or pressure. Right before Thanksgiving dinner is put on the table may not be the best time to have the conversation!

How should I tell?

Some people like to prepare what they want to say in advance. This could mean writing a letter and having the person read it prior to the discussion, or using the letter as a conversation starter during a face to face conversation. Some people find that role playing the conversation with a friend, counselor, or other professional helps them to think about what they want to say.  It can be helpful to have these conversations privately, with one or two people at a time, instead of with large groups of people.

Remember, your safety and well-being is the most important thing during this process. While I have hope that we will one day live in a world in which all sexual orientations, gender expressions, and gender identities are celebrated and accepted, the current reality is that many people who are LGBTQ are confronted with bullying and violence.  Consider your own safety and well-being before talking to people about your sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. These resources can also provide support:

Where can I get support?

UNC’s LGBTQ Center is a great place to go for more information and support. They also have support and discussion groups.

UNC Counseling and Wellness offers a wide range of services and programs to support students with personal, academic, career, health-related issues and crisis concerns.

There are several events in honor of Coming Out Week where you can get more information about coming out and talk with others.

Look for Safe Zone stickers and signs on office doors of faculty and staff. Safe Zone allies have completed training aimed at making the UNC community a safer and more supportive place for people of all sexual orientations, gender identities, and gender expressions.

How I can be supportive of someone who is coming out?

We are all a part of making UNC’s campus (and the world) a place where people can be open and safe in their own sexual orientation, gender expression, and gender identity. The UNC LGBTQ Center has a great list of ways to be supportive to someone who is coming out. Check it out here.

 

References (and resources!)

GLSEN. Coming Out: A Guide for Youth and Their Allies.
http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/news/record/1290.html

Planned Parenthood. Coming Out.
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/info-for-teens/lgbtq/coming-out-33833.htm

George Mason University.
http://lgbtq.gmu.edu/comingout/

Relationship Violence Awareness Month

October is Relationship Violence Awareness Month (RVAM), and UNC’s schedule of powerful events is in full swing, including The Carolina Men Care Campaign, which begins today October 9^th  and continues through October 16^th. The Carolina Men Care Campaign focuses on male-identified allies and partners of those who have experienced or are experiencing relationship violence. In addition to hosting events as a part of RVAM, the Carolina Men Care Campaign will be tabling in the Pit all week to provide resources and information on ways male-identified folks can prevent relationship violence and be allies for survivors.

You can learn more about relationship violence by attending campus events, or encourage a friend who you know has been affected by relationship violence to seek help and support by attending one of the month’s events.

RVAM Event Schedule

October 1st-31st Durham Women’s Shelter Drive

October 1st-31st Healthy Relationships Campus and Media Campaign

October 15th-31st The Courage Project

October 9th at 5PM Partners of Survivors Workshop

October 10th at 5:30PM Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes film screening

October 11th at 7:00pm Healthy Relationships: How Parents Can Talk to Kids (In Spanish)

October 12th Chapel Hill Underground Party

October 13th at 5:00pm Domestic Violence Awareness 5k

October 13th Poetry Slam

October 15th at 6:30PM Men Against Relationship Violence: What it Means to be a Male Ally

October 16th at 7PM Dr. Jackson Katz

October 17th at 6:30pm The Art of Healing

October 23rd at 4:30pm Legitimate Rape? Current Scholarship and the Debate over Consent and Choice

October 23rd at 6PM Communicating with Children about Relationship Violence workshop

October 26th at 7PM Halloween Fun Run

October 28th Domestic Violence Walk

October 30th at 5:30PM The Naked Truth: How Media Shapes Us

October 30th at 7:00pm Film Screening: “Sisters in Law”

     To learn more about what organizations and campuses around the country are going for RVAM, check out the No More Campaign and the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence for other national and international public awareness and advocacy campaigns and safe.unc.edu for resources for those who have experienced relationship violence.